Missing the father, you never had. Missing that person, you never could really hate, but only love. Missing that one, who was always far away – the unreachable, the unknown, the misunderstood, the unworthy, the lonely one, your father.

All you have left from him is this gold necklace with the small ruby flower.

The one who sent you the best books of your childhood, to whom you wrote your first letters asking him to come back, the one, who even brought you once to school, which made you walk with your nose in the air, who gave you the time as a present – measured by his absence – and your first watch. He also brought you that gold chain with the ruby ​​flower and the earrings (Mom sold them later because we were so poor and needed money).

Missing the one you had no memories with. Missing the person whom so many failed to forgive, but who was for you the only one possible father. Missing the feeling he was real. Missing the one you were always planning to call, you always wanted to hear, but you couldn’t, although the truth was obvious: Behind every alienation, every form of loneliness and rejection towards the world you can hear s.b. is calling for help. Only those who have lost their fine receptors for what happens around them, who have been trimmed and hardened by life, are unable to perceive it. You, doomed to forgive everyone but not being able to forgive yourself the simple truth: that you knew it and no explanations were needed.

All you have left from him is a photo from your childhood and a gold chain. Time continues to measure life, loneliness continues to flow through its thin invisible threads. Death is wiser than us, if it does not make us better, it will show us its face again and again. I just hope I can learn its lesson in my lifetime, I hope.

In July, 2015

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